


And All I Need is

by littleredriding



Series: Soulmates: Reader Siren x Steve & Bucky [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Jessica Jones (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate path of "And I'll be like Sugar", But trying to claw back out of it, Civil War compliant eventually, Enhanced Reader, Eventual Threesome, F/M, Future Tag warnings - Depressed Steve and his Suicidal Tendencies are addressed, M/M, Maybe eventual smut still in debate, Mental Torture to Reader, Multi, Reader-Insert, Slow Build, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Threesome - F/M/M, Very Bucky/Reader Centric, WAY FUTURE okay based on where fic is, Warning on torture to Reader - very vaguely written though, gifted reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:23:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7392952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleredriding/pseuds/littleredriding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being the well gifted Agent of Shield you are, you were able to save Captain Steve Rogers during the events of CA:TWS. But who knew in exchange that you would end up being caught in a Hydra prison? </p><p>This is where the other Soulmate, the Winter Solider, comes into the spotlight and up into your life. </p><p>Just another terrible day for a gifted SHIELD agent with two  war hero Soulmates...right? </p><p>This story picks up an alternate route from my Reader Soulmate fic - "And I'll be like Sugar" and is Civil War compliant. Setting is during Captain America: The Winter Solider.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes

**Author's Note:**

> I was set on getting this published on July 4th. (edit: wtf why does it say 5th? D:) But I've been very busy seeing Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan...and guess now it's onto SDCC?
> 
> This picks up an alternate route from Chapter 7/midway Ch 8 in Sugar and is meant to be an alternate route that will end up Civil War compliant. This is basically after you got caught by Hydra. 
> 
> **Quick Summary:** Soulmate Universe - you have both Steve and Bucky, you’re a SHIELD agent with gifted [water bending & healing powers.](http://avatar.wikia.com/wiki/Waterbending) Also your code name is Siren. Words have already been exchanged between you and Steve...but certain circumstances make you two not together. 
> 
> If you do not read Sugar, I guess this can be read by itself as a more heavily Bucky centrc fic. And yeah this is a threesome but again honestly heavily focused on all the Bucky because that’s how the plot worked out with me. 
> 
> **Warnings:** This story is for feels, slow burns, and angst. Some fluff here and there but this is the final forewarning I have for this as a whole. And scenes from the Civil War prelude comic of Bucky helps give some imagery of why x happens. Additional warning is torture imagery/to the imagination to Reader is indeed done. Please note that this does not involve rape and the writing is very vague.

 

…

 

…

 

Everything was too bright..

 

It felt like everything was tinted a dirty green with bright yellow lighting.

 

You lazily thought as you laid flat on your back...

 

But it was probably because of all the drugs they had pumped into you. Shot after shot. Probe after probe.

 

After you witnessed that poor cat getting “wiped”, Hydra had locked you back into the cell and began to shoot you up with numerous shots to make you weak and unable to move. You were waiting stuck in a hazy state of mind, yet unable to move or lift a finger. If this is how it felt to be stuck in a motionless body - you didn’t want this anymore any longer. Maybe things would have been better if they choose to just knock you out or just wipe you from the start like that had planned.

 

Because after they were done drugging you up - the torture started.

 

They said something about how just wiping your memory wasn’t going to be enough to convert you to Hydra.

 

They needed to **break you**.

 

Let you heal.

 

Then break you **again**.

 

**And again.**

 

You lost track of time - has it been a day? Or days? You weren’t sure.

 

Right now you were on some type of numbing drug, so you weren’t actually able to feel anything right now. But you knew the moment it wore off - all the pain that they had inflicted onto you, would come rushing in at once.

 

You were too weak to move and even if you could you were restrained. The doctors moved away, talking about something...but-

 

When you started to feel that tingly sensation. Every bit of pain came in rushing at that instant.

 

You screamed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**”Bucky.”** _

 

Everything wasn’t right.

 

Nothing felt right.

 

**_”Your name is James Buchanan Barnes.”_ **

 

His mind was confused, since a part of him felt compelled to return back to his handlers- yet also not.

 

Was he going back because that’s what _he_ wanted or because that is what he was _told_ to do?

 

Either way here he was, back at that bank...

 

Security seemed to have thinned out, compared to how it normally was - but as he reached closer to **that** room...that’s when he started to hear the screams.

 

It was the girl he saw earlier.

 

 _She shouldn’t be here._ his mind whispered. Earlier when he had seen her brought in after Pierce - the first instinct in his mind was to protect her. The moment he heard that the girl was going to be wiped - he pushed Pierce instead so that he could wipe himself instead of her. And yet - it was pointless for instead here they were torturing her.

 

Hooked up in **that** chair, screaming, while the doctors ignored her and just blankly looked at him in shock and terror. They were the ones that made him do horrible things. And were now doing horrible things to her. The young woman had her head rolled to the side, she was breathing weakly and probably just barely conscious.

 

Everything inside him wanted to snap - but another part was holding him down, trying to first assess things just a little bit longer.

 

“M-Mission Report,” one scientist said nervously to him.

 

Ah, and this was how they were - of course.

 

“It’s done, Captain America is dead.”

 

The scientists gave a relieved look and sighed, “After we finish with her a bit longer, let’s get you strapped in.”

 

The thought of them doing anything more to her and to him...made everything snap.

 

He couldn’t take it anymore.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When you came to - you felt warm and...almost dare you say it - comfortable?

 

That still didn’t say much about your current status since every inch of your skin was in pain and your head was massively pounding. Although a part of you didn’t want to open your eyes - you knew you would have to face the reality of whatever was going on...sooner or later. But if you didn’t, you wouldn’t know how drugged up you were...

 

You opened your eyes to see...you weren’t in that dingy low lit place that Hydra was keeping you, but an actual room that looked like one of those cheap ass motels. Not only that but from the sounds, the television must be on and someone was watching the local news.

 

Wrinkling your face in confusion, you then hazily tried to recall what had happened before you had woken up.

 

You were...hooked up to that machine.

 

The prison. The man with the metal arm.

 

You couldn't remember or hear anything much of what had been going on, but you remember seeing him knock out those doctors...and release you from that machine.

 

And then that’s when everything faded out.

 

As you slowly got up, groggy and sore from your injuries - you confirmed that you were indeed in a motel room with the television on. Not only that though the man with the metal arm was sitting on a chair not too far away - watching you.

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

You stared at him a bit and realized that this man was also the one who was hooked up to that machine before you.

 

“You’re the alley cat from the other day...”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Taking the girl with him wasn’t a smart nor wise decision.

 

But something was nagging at him about her that he just couldn’t let go. After he had taken her out of the chair, he had also taken along with him some files and weapons with him. Right now he needed to just be somewhere safe and quiet so he could just - _think_.

 

His mind already was scrambled enough - memories overflowing here and there.

 

Hell...he didn’t know what to even call himself.

 

**_“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes.”_ **

 

Slamming the table, he winced.

 

**_”Bucky.”_ **

 

He knew that name.

 

**_”You know me.”_ **

 

But...these years... _all_ these years...

 

The girl stirred from the bed, waking up - and he turned to her direction, away from the news that was showing the aftermath of...what had just happened the other day. She didn’t say anything and neither did he - the two were just quietly observing each other.

 

That was when her eyes then widened ever so slightly in recognition over him,

 

**“You’re the alley cat from the other day...”**

 

As if something inside of him had fully woken, he sat there stunned and almost paralyzed.

 

He knew those words.

 

**He knew them.**

 

Because those words were **burned** onto him.

 

Just like that other man’s.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next few days were fucked up.

 

Okay that’s a total exaggeration since it’s not like you were held captive and being tortured from Hydra. I mean right now you were snuggled up under the covers of the motel bed, quite comfortable and warm. That and besides your mind was clearer, probably flushed out from most of the drugs that those Hydra scientists had given you, so your thoughts were more fleshed out. Fleshed out and confused though.

 

Let’s get this straight.

 

SHIELD wanted to capture Captain America.

 

You didn’t agree with that so you helped him escape and get out, yay you right?

 

Nope you got taken in by Hydra who had been in fact hidden and a part of SHIELD forever?

 

And while in that prison, a civil war basically broke out within SHIELD...between hidden Hydra agents. But Captain America had fucking saved the world and now - **what?**

 

You didn’t know what to do, since you were physically incapacitated at the moment still. The drugs that they had given you, had dulled your powers in general ...so here you were bedridden in this god forsaken motel room. You wanted to be out there, helping...your fellow Shield agents.

 

But who was a friend and who was a foe?

 

Your heart broke at having to just **think** about that. SHIELD is...or...was your home.

 

You knew what the media and news was saying was just media talk but, they had some truth to it.

 

Not only that, but the guy with the metal arm had not peeped a word out to you. You didn’t know what his situation was.

 

A part of you was relieved that he had been there to save you, since that guy had actually saved _you_ from getting ‘wiped’. Probably meaning his memory getting erased, since the scientists had been talking about how they were going to do that to you once the time was right after they had weakened you enough. Regardless though your heart ached for him - for some odd reason.

 

This gut feeling deep down was telling you that he wasn’t a bad guy. Despite all this Hydra and Shield things happening. And whatever he had gone through with Hydra, he had managed to escape and even helped rescue you. Since taking you back, although he had not spoken a word - he had tried his best to help you out. Hell, he was even fucking going out to get food and stuff for you.

 

What was his story?

 

You knew that he was controlled by Hydra, probably a deadly assassin, but his memories were wiped.

 

…Or were they? Were his memories possibility recovering?

 

He did seem to always look puzzled as if in deep thought.

 

Sigh... If your powers weren’t on the fritz, you could maybe help him out in that department. You never really were able to help someone actually “remember” but you could help piece their mind together

 

You felt extremely indebted to him - and although the ‘sane’ part of you was whispering for you to be careful, the other part of you was telling you he was someone you should and can trust.

 

Call it a hunch.

 

He must have had something happen to him since he hadn’t said a single word to you either. Communication was done through scribbles he would write here and there. One thing though was...did he not know who you were as much as you didn’t know who he was? You had tested him earlier, requesting water to drink - and he quickly did that with no questions asked. Hell you could have turned that little sucker into ice and stabbed the fuck out of him.

 

...well not now though. Your powers that had been dulled down by the Hydra doctors were still dulled down. In terms of healing you didn’t have the strength to even try that on yourself, and you needed to try to keep some strength in case something happened.

 

But after you did heal...

 

Where were you going to go from there?

 

 

* * *

 

 

A part of him wanted to leave, to leave her.

 

But when he thought of how he first met her, and those men. Especially with how she was now - there wasn’t any way he could.

 

The other part wanted to say something to her, hopefully the same corresponding words that were on her skin.

 

But...

 

And at the same time.

 

He can’t.

 

How could he do that when he doesn’t even know who **he** himself is?

 

Instead he had decided to settle on writing to her, scribbling on the hotel scratch paper to communicate to her. She had been puzzled at first, but accepted it as their form of communication.

 

Today though she seemed more lively when he returned from his outdoor run to get some food and supplies for them.

 

“Your memories...have been wiped a lot from that machine, right?”

 

He nodded and wrote down, 

 

**My memories are still...foggy.**

 

“Well maybe I can help a bit? If you’ll let me that is...but it would be nice to call you by your name, if you can remember one? ”

 

He paused and remembered that name echoed ou to him - deciding to go ahead and write it to her.

 

**James Buchanan Barnes.**

 

“James...?” she smiled slightly while tilting her head. Suddenly the man from the helicarrier flashed through his mind with his insistent, “Bucky.”

 

**Bucky.**

 

“Mmm...I’m guessing that’s a nickname for Buchanan? Hm...which one do you prefer?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

This was an accomplishment.

 

Finding out his name - or well hopefully this was his name. Memories could have been so scattered, but even if it wasn’t his real name - it’d be a lead for something right?

 

But ‘Bucky’?

 

He seemed insistent on you calling him Bucky instead of James, so you conceded to his request despite wanting to call him the later instead.

 

However that name...

 

You knew that name.

 

Where did you know it?

 

Pursing your lips and closing you eyes, you shifted through your mind trying to remember where you had heard that.

 

...the Wall of Valor, Bucky Barnes.

 

One of the most notable names on that wall and dearest friend of Captain himself.

 

**Is something wrong?**

 

He must have noticed your demeanor, you felt cold and chilled. You didn’t know what to say since you didn’t want to over flood him with information. That and besides it didn’t mean that he was some...war hero. He could just be remembering maybe someone he had a mission about or a false name that he was given to remember as his identity.

 

…you couldn’t bear to keep it inside you or lie to him.

 

So you told him.

 

* * *

 

**You could have stayed back.**

 

You scowled at his writing and shook your head, “And let you go in here with your arm like that in here alone? No fucking way.”

 

After you mentioned to him about there being a Captain America exhibit, Bucky had been insitent on going to the museum. Thank god though that you mentioned this to him AFTER your legs finally recovered and was up to walking speed. A part of you had your suspcisions and was curious to see it as well...and the other part of you ached at it just being about Captain.

 

How was he doing?

 

That thought was brushed away though the moment you reached the metal detectors. Thankfully Bucky had been able to procure a medical card to avoid detection due to his metal arm. And well that and your calculations of carefully watching the security guards to see who would be the easiest to let you through without a pat down.

 

Once the two of you got through - you both made a bee-line to the Captain America exhibit.

 

You gently smiled as Captain’s face greeted you into the exhibit.

 

Wow there were a lot of interesting things here to see, but Bucky quickly moved to a memorial in the middle of the exhibit. And unless he was a doppleganger or some heavy plastic surgery done - the man in front of you was identical to the Bucky Barnes pictured on the memorial. Sure there were obvious differences - such as the metal arm...the fact that he was pretty unshaven...and such ans so - but besides that there wasn’t anything much.

 

“Holy shit.”

 

* * *

 

Bucky sat in his usual chair, quiet and distraught from the seems of it. The two of you had headed back to the motel after the museum, with not much words exchanged in-between the two of you.

 

He needed to think things through.

 

But...

 

“Here,” you said while taking a notebook out of the souvenir bag you had bought back at the museum. He looked up at you curiously,

 

“For your thoughts. Maybe it’d be a bit easier if you wrote things down so you can remember? Think of it as a written record instead of a mental one.”

 

As you gently smiled at him reassuringly, you could have sworn you saw the corners of his mouth start to curl upwards...until-

 

**“Doll get down NOW!”**

 

A sudden loud crash emitted as a barrage of gunfire paraded into your motel room. Bucky had pushed you out of the way shielding you with his body. Before you knew it you saw him reach for the guns under the bed and he nodded to you as he tossed you one as well.

 

There wasn’t time to think. You two had to get the fuck out of there.

 

* * *

 

The two of you had managed to get out of the motel away safely. However those Hydra agents - well...wouldn’t be able to talk ever again. It was a bit strange though since, Bucky didn’t take them out though. Sure he injured them, but they weren’t dead. When you noticed that his hits weren’t fatal, you were the one that in fact finished it off. Right now it didn’t seem like either of you could afford any loose ends possibly trailing you two again.

 

You could have sworn you saw a moment of hesitation in him as he pointed his gun towards them...

 

However this moment of stillness let you reflect and remember what Bucky had verbally said to you earlier.

 

His words on your skin.

 

“Doll, huh?”

 

At your sudden remark, Bucky slammed the breaks suddenly - causing you to yelp at the sudden jerking motion of the car suddenly stopping. You turned to look over at Bucky, who was staring at the open road and you could literally just feel the tension rolling off of him in waves.

 

“...you can leave.”

 

…

 

**Ah...**

 

You got it.

 

That’s why he didn’t say a word.

 

And although maybe a part of you wanted to be upset - you honestly weren’t. Or maybe it had to do with the Soulmate thing making you sentimental.

 

You got it. Or well maybe at least you had interpreted it in a way where you felt like you got why he was doing what he did.

 

And everything he had done up to this point had never been to hurt you. If he really didn’t feel something for you, he could have left you at any other point.

 

Yet here he was asking if you wanted to leave him instead.

 

You tentatively placed your hand over his and gently squeezed and smiled at Bucky, hopefully reassuringly.

 

“We’re leaving together.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [ tumblr](http://unrequitedstar.tumblr.com/) things!
> 
> Please let me know what you think! And let's just say for this story...I actually have a set idea on where I want to end this story. :)
> 
> I know I know - if you’re a Sugah reader or just a reader of my stuff in general. I have a thing with calling Bucky - James. HOWEVER CIVIL WAR JUST CHANGED THAT FOR ME and honestly for this particular sake and story, it’s more appropriate for Reader to call him Bucky.


	2. Little by Little

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback!!! Honestly part of me always felt the Hydra prison in Winter Solider was a weak point even before Civil War...but characterizing Bucky during that point was literally like ???? Although we still don’t have a clear set of how those two years completely went for him of course (though same could be said with Steve pre Winter Solider) 
> 
> As a headsup - I am leaving some things vague for both time and your imagination. Blanks as in - conversations or tiny things that happen with Bucky are for the tone of this story. 
> 
> And lots of references to Captain and Soulmate business with you from ["And I'll be Like Sugar" ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7392952/chapters/16792444)

 

 

“How about this, for every little new thing you want to know about me - you’ll tell me something about yourself?”

 

He didn’t respond, just pursed his lips. You could read the internal debate all across him.

 

“Too much?”

 

“You shouldn’t be sticking with me, don’t you want to go back to your friends....your home?”

 

You paused.

 

You honestly didn’t even know what you would be coming back to.

 

Who was a part of Hydra and who **wasn’t**?

 

...Or were they still hiding?

 

What type of home was it when you didn’t even know if it was a place of shelter anymore?

 

…

 

You had to give an answer though.

 

“I don’t know if I still have a home.”

 

It was an honest answer.

 

A sad, but honest answer.

 

Bucky’s eyes softened and he slowly reached out to you with his flesh hand. He paused for a moment with his hand hovering above your head, but then he touched your hair and patted you softly and reassuringly. Maybe it was the whole Soulmate thing, but you felt yourself relax and unwind at his gentle touch.

 

But the most surprising thing he did was much later that day.

 

Later that night he spoke out to you during you meal together.

 

“I...had a sister……Rebecca.”

 

You looked at him surprised and almost dropped your fork in this sudden ambush.

 

He curled one side of his mouth in a slight attempt at a smile and then added to you,

 

“Your turn.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The first couple weeks were tough mostly since the both of you were figuring out what the freak to do.

 

Bucky was figuring out **himself** which was a whole can of worms and more since he had decades of life to think about. And that was completely fucking understandable you mentally added. Hydra business and all…

 

Whereas on your end, you were figuring out the whole post SHIELD/Hydra thing **AND** on what you should do.

 

…But you refused to part from Bucky since who knew what could happen.

 

You weren’t going to separate from your newly found Soulmate. No fucking way.

 

…

 

And...well as for that third Soulmate issue…

 

…

 

You shook your head shivering slightly - you **couldn’t** wrap your mind on that right now.

 

_To be thought about later._

 

A part of you had debated on getting in touch with...Jemma or Nat.

 

Jemma...though was impossible to contact - you were also scared if something would trace back to you and consequently Bucky. Nat...well...you could contact her...

 

But there wasn’t any way for you to get back to your old place, that is if it wasn’t already swarmed with bugs or whatever. Sure you had a locker or two that you had stashed away, but...it didn’t feel right to you to get those phones. Sure, their expertise would help a lot though with Bucky...but...

 

You both had to be so careful since Hydra was still on the look for him. This was an extremely delicate situation with you being a SHIELD agent and him a top wanted Hydra - well fuck he’s the Winter Solider of course he’s high profiled.

 

And judging by the way he was - even though he didn’t seem to want to leave you, but if push came to shove...would he…?

 

Right now you had to go dark on them all.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Weeks had passed by...or was it already a month?

 

This new life with your...Soulmate...

 

...was strangely charmingly happy?

 

Hard and tough of course since you two were essentially runaway fugitives in a sense. However the two of you learning about each other and slowly helping Bucky piece himself together...was really something. Gradually the two of you started to get to know each other, although on Bucky’s side - it was also himself trying to get to know who he was.

 

You weren’t in love with him.

 

But you couldn't deny you had an affection growing towards him.

 

You cherished every little tiny thing that he did for you - whether it be a simple brush between your hand and his touching…to catching him stealing glances at you now and then. However the two of you didn’t talk much about this tension, since it was understood that there were other things to first sort out between you two first.

 

After all the man was clearly still broken.

 

Most of the time if you weren’t doing research or daily life tasks, you were healing Bucky. Your powers had now come back completely and you had him lay with his head on the bed - while your hands were gently placed over his temples. You used your powers to slowly try to unwind and mend the broken parts of his mind that seemed scrambled.

 

At first when Bucky learned of your powers, he was surprised and very hesitant - but he eventually gave in, trusting himself in your hands.

 

He probably felt this strange sense of ‘trust’ that you felt for him because of the whole Soulmate thing.

 

However the one thing that neither of you two talked about was Captain Rogers.

 

Sure, he did research about him - you knew he did since he could only hide so much of what he was reading about. Even if he knew that you knew though, that was the one thing you both did not speak about to each other.

 

About the clear obvious fact that you and Bucky being Soulmates - also made a deadlock on you being Captain’s Soulmate.

 

Oh but of course you were also assuming again.

 

There was always that chance that your Soulmate number 3 wasn’t Cap...right? After all Cap’s Soulmates were the one thing that was never released or known to the public. You were just doing the “ **logical** ” solution.

 

But say...Captain was.

 

Captain did after all say your words. But why didn’t he react?

 

Your initial reaction to that back than, was mere coincidence and the fact that Captain never responded back to you. That and of course after lots of personal conflict that Cap’s reaction to your words - just couldn’t make him your Soulmate.

 

Hell…Cap had also been hitting on you too. **Cap had been hitting on _you._**

 

And even if you never got to know him on a close level - despite Roger’s attempts to clearly try to date you, you did know that he was a good and honest guy. Probably not the type to...pretend he didn’t hear his Soulmate’s words right?

 

…right?

 

....James’ Soulmate refusal to say his words was another story though. In fact it was meant to be, those words he said...so it didn’t bother you much. In fact Bucky still reminded you now and then about how if you wanted to leave him to see how SHIELD was doing, you were welcome to leave him. Bucky didn’t want to chain you down to him.

 

Cap...

 

Closing your eyes and letting out a sigh you reached back...

 

Eventually one day you remembered.

 

It was probably the time you healed Captain, you know you had said _something_ to him, but couldn't remember the exact words. It would also have meant that he was awake to some extent to have heard your words. And that clearly would make sense if that was the time you said his words.

 

Which meant you were the one at fault.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Is Captain Rogers my Soulmate too?” you asked Bucky the moment he came out of his shower. Bucky was toweling his hair dry and stopped to look at you surprised at the sudden question.

 

You couldn’t take it anymore - you had to just ask him. And also lay out everything to Bucky about you and Cap.

 

“...you haven’t met him yet?” his eyebrows furrowed together in slight confusion at you shaking your head to a “No.”

 

“Quite the opposite, in fact I guess you could sort of say he’s the reason why I even got caught by Hydra.”

 

“...What do you mean?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

You explained everything to Bucky.

 

It was hard and honestly the more you spoke out about how you met Captain, to him saying your words, and even exposing...how you did hear your words from him. Honestly saying it aloud, sounded even stupider. It was obvious there were so many clues and heck the words spoken to you, that Captain was clearly your Soulmate.

 

“Do you...does he have another set of words?”

 

The words came out of your mouth before you realized it.

 

But you were drowning.

 

Afraid that maybe there was a mishap in this Soulmate trio bond.

 

Maybe you were just the irregular bond.

 

Or...it was a mistake or -

 

” **Doll.** ”

 

Bucky had both his hands on your shoulders, gripping you firmly and slightly shaking you to focus on him.

 

“Breathe.”

 

“I-…I...”

 

You didn’t realize that you were holding it in and shaking until now.

 

You took a deep breath and let it out. Not only that but you felt the watery edge of tears in your eyes starting to fog your vision. You tried to will them away with your powers, but you couldn't - you weren’t in control.

 

You felt like a mess.

 

But you wanted to also just sort this out and you spilled out more to Bucky frantically,

 

“I have another set of words, maybe if you see them you’ll be able to-”

 

Bucky shook you firmly again, shaking his head emphasizing for you to stop.

 

“ **Doll.** ”

 

He stroked your hair and cupped your cheek in his flesh hand,

 

“He has your words.”

 

That broke you apart, unfolding completely.

 

...

 

After some moments had passed and you calmed down, Bucky spoke.

 

“...Something must have happened,” he curled his lips probably trying to smile, “But what I do know is that clearly he didn’t want to let you go away..based on his actions towards you..”

 

You nodded and closed your eyes.

 

Trying to take in the fact that this whole time… **Your other Soulmate had been by your side at SHIELD**

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

After that - not much was talked about when it came to Captain Rogers.

 

Bucky was in a delicate stage of still finding himself and healing.

 

And of course the matter of you two learning each other.

 

Captain Rogers was an issue that could be faced another time.

 

But you knew that if Cap knew that Bucky was alive...he’d be most likely also searching for Bucky too.

 

_For Bucky...not for you._

 

A lot of traveling...a lot of reading...and a lot of scouting out. Months had passed by before you even realized it. Although majority of the time was alright or…strangely happy. In terms of the two of you and how close you two were…well, you weren’t in love.

 

Okay okay, maybe now you were falling for him - just a little bit.

 

And you hoped that Bucky felt the same…

 

But there were days when they did have dark sides.

 

These several months…were a toll on you for a multitude of reasons. Stress towards your own life towards Hydra and Shield. Bucky and his past. The constant moving and settling into a new place wasn’t the hard part, since you were used to that as an Agent.

 

Before as an Agent of Shield - the Hub was your home. However now…it was like Bucky was the home that was always stable and there. And you wanted to take care of him.

 

But you couldn’t stand just helping him and watching him tear himself apart.

 

One day…every emotion you had towards him - your concern and fear…came out.

 

“You don’t need to go to every single place you hurt someone as the Winter Solider,” you firmly said to Bucky.

 

“It’s only fair.”

 

“Fair to who? To them? Or to you?”

 

He didn’t respond.

 

“Bucky - it’s not you who did it. It’s not your fault that you killed them.”

 

“...I need to remember more.”

 

“More of what? The details of how you killed each person? The family that they left behind?” you spat out angrily. You watched as Bucky pursed his lips in a firmer line, clearly not moving his stance - so you spoke out again softly, “I don’t want to just watch you hurt yourself over and over.”

 

“Doll...”

 

If he was going to continue to search for all the terrible things that had done.

 

So be it.

 

You were going to reveal your own darkest fear about him.

 

“And you know what also hurts? The fact that if I don’t go with you - you’d happily go without me to this missionary of yours.” you spat out, feeling a bit of regret as the words left your mouth.

 

Bucky moved towards you, but he looked unsure whether he should reach out towards you, “I won't leave you.”

 

“Really? Then I guess I’ll just have to be the one to.”

 

You stormed out - feeling childish - but you just needed…air.

 

Away from things.

 

But honestly you weren’t sure though what hurt more - the fact that you were leaving him or the fact that...he didn’t chase after you.

 

 

* * *

 

 

You couldn’t stand it.

 

It felt that every step and mile taken away from Bucky - made your heart tear more and more.

 

You whole heart ached, you couldn’t stand how much pain that Bucky was putting himself into. The pain he already had with remembering who he was...and what he had done...

 

And yet he wasn’t stopping.

 

He wanted to see every tiny detail nock and cranny of all these terrible things. It wasn’t his fault. And he was in so much...so much pain...and here he was...wanting to throw himself into more agony. Trying to remember who he was before as the Winter Solider to what he was as the Winter Solider - was so much.

 

You couldn’t watch him just do that to himself anymore while you quietly supported him.

 

You had to say something.

 

…but right now you just couldn’t handle this.

 

For some reason when it came to Bucky - it felt like your emotions were just all over the place and out of control sometimes.

 

Maybe you really did need to just talk to someone about him. Maybe it was time to actually talk to someone about this...

 

 

* * *

 

 

You were on your way to one of the SHIELD safe houses.

 

Maybe talking to Jemma would help. You had thought about Nat but...she would have a much stronger approach to things, something you weren’t really up to right now. Although a part of you didn’t like the way you so childishly ran out, the pride in you also couldn’t just run back to him right now. Well…especially since he didn’t even run after you.

 

You’ll return back after you let off some steam.

 

But it felt as if the farther away you were getting from Bucky though - the more your heart panged and raced.

 

Quite honestly it felt like you were going maybe through an anxiety attack...

 

You shook your head though, it couldn’t be that.

 

You just...

 

Needed to be in touch with something familiar for a bit. Something you were used to. Like being an agent again. Where all your friends and...

 

You paused thinking about the Hydra take over...

 

There’s still hope, right?

 

Once you checked the surroundings - you went inside the house after disabling the security alarms.

 

“Hello...?”

 

No answer. At first.

 

Until you suddenly heard a soft creak and a familiar voice,

 

“Siren?”

 

You turned around to the voice that sounded like Kara, Agent 33. However there was time to ponder or think anymore about the issue. 

 

You went down feeling the familiar pain of the Icer - the bloody fucking Icer...

 

Darkness.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the end of this chapter - Reader has actually spent at least 7 months with Bucky, according to CAWS & AoS Timeline. 
> 
> I hope you don’t think Siren/Reader is in any way “stupid” - a lot of emotional rollarcoasters have been happening which makes well...some things you usually would go over gets overlooked. Plus she hasn't had as many (or any) Hydra-in hiding former friends, so she hasn't gotten to that level of jaded in Sugar or Alphas. 
> 
>  
> 
> Anyhoo…who is looking forward to when Cap will return to my fics ah ha ha ? 
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://unrequitedstar.tumblr.com/)


	3. What is Real?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite having been by Bucky's side for several months since the fall of SHIELD - and finding out that you are Soulmates...the uncertainty between you two was still in the air. 
> 
> You left for some time alone, but was captured once again by Hydra. Reminded of the horrors of what had happened with your old home at Shield and of your other Soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warnings of torture especially mental abuse and torture... to Reader, again no rape - but possible implications. Also unstable sort of mindset for Reader because of all the past things. 
> 
> Since this particular chapter is really written in a POV style - as a result there are a lot of details taken out. If you have not read Sugar, there may be some subcontext that is hard to understand as well.
> 
> *** Recap on timeline now. Reader is an elite former Agent of Shield (as it has fallen). You had known Cap for a little over two years and even worked with him - despite having already exchanged Soulmate words they do not know that they are each other's Soulmates (more of that can be read in Sugar). Once Winter Solider happened, she had gotten captured and rescued by Bucky - ending up with Bucky for now at least 7 months in hiding both knowing they are Soulmates to one another.

 

“Siren, you’ll move out to this wing while the rest of us retrieve the cargo.” Captain Rogers said as he pointed at the map of the base you and the rest of the SHIELD team were going to infiltrate.

“I’ll be able to keep cover for you all as long as we can clear out the main water stream, ” you nodded as you slowly memorized the entire map of the base as much as you could. The mission was another alien Chiautari weapon removal - Agent 33 this time was the one who was going to be piloting the quinjet to extract you all once they were set.

After Cap finished explaining the rest of the plan - he dismissed the briefing for everyone to get ready since there was still another forty minutes till you all reached the destination. The team dispersed with some people reviewing the mission files, and others getting their weapons all prepared. You were one of the later - and went to make sure that you had all the weapons and supplies you needed. Though of course your suit was good to go, water was laced through a double layer and although you did have a gun (or night-night gun as Jemma liked to explain) in your right holster - currently you were refilling your left holster with water.

Your water powers were basically a versatile weapon on hand, you could use it to make a whip, icicles, daggers, you name it. However…well you needed to have that on hand of course.

“This mission is just like our first one together,” Cap chuckled as he approached you and grabbed one of the water bottles that you were using.

“Hey! I’m using that,” you half-protested and frowned, to which he returned back to you a half teasing smile. Cap downed the bottle, while you then responded back to his comment, “And yes - it is pretty similar to our first one, sort of never ceases to amaze me on just how much that alien army left behind from The Battle of New York…”

“It’s our 25th mission to be exact though,” Rogers mused, while your heart lept at that number. He was counting just like you…

“That’s sure punctual of you,” you casually remarked, trying to not show any emotion in how that affected you. You tried to mentally remind yourself, you have two Soulmates out there waiting for you. Sure Rogers may have accidentally said your words by some chance, but…nope you are not his Soulmate. You aren’t going to get tangled up with some weird ass dating dance with Captain America. Nope.

It’s normal to date before Soulmates and all - but you weren’t going to have Captain America be that. That was just. No. No no no.

And you knew it would be the 25th time you would decline him out for coffee, if he asked you per usual.

Changing the conversation you smiled, “Then again, you are called Captain America for a reason.”

“And you still stick to the formalities,” Cap continued. To this day you refused to call him by his first name to distance yourself - though to him you just said it’s because you only call your friends by their first name.

“You are not letting me off the hook this time are you?” you said while trying to finish up your weapon prep, “I like to keep work separate from my personal time off, and you Captain…are a coworker.”

There it came again, the tinge of sadness that would flash in Cap’s eyes now and then whenever you would draw the line up. The moment between you two though stopped since your had finally arrived at the destination.

You couldn’t understand him…why he was being so insistent towards being friends with you outside of work.

To be honest you were a fool for also declining him so hard…but you felt that if …you agreed.

You wouldn’t be able to stop your feelings that would probably grow with him. And then…one day it would come to an end with your Soulmates.

The cloudy sad look…

 

If only you knew that he was your Soulmate from the start, and didn’t doubt yourself.

 

How all of this could have changed…

Sure - the same outcome of you being caught by Hydra might have happened. You still would have helped Cap escape SHIELD, and kept his cover down. That would lead to you being captured by Hydra…but you would then be united with your second Soulmate. Bucky.

The words were inevitable.

Everything would still have fallen into place as it should have been.

Except you would’ve at least been in the company of one of your Soulmates, during your time with SHIELD.

 

All that time…

 

Before you could lament more, you felt a splash of cold water wash over your face. Bringing you back to your current reality.

A horrible reoccurring nightmare…that wasn’t a dream.

But reality.

You had been captured by Hydra…again.

All because of your personal doubts and own weakness…

And this time - one of your comrades from Shield - was the one to make you fall. Former Agent 33 - who now had been successfully brainwashed out by Hydra. Apparently it took them a few weeks to get it done…but with you…they lamented over what to be done with you.

The man named “Whitehall” was the one in charge of your…transition, or so they distastefully called it.

You were strapped to a chair - similar to what you would see at the dentist with it’s handles and gears… forced in front of a giant screen flashing with various abstract images and colors.

Sometimes you were forced to stand with your eyes forced open, but they rotated between that and having you sit. Saying that they were giving you the “choice” to watch or not…some type of brainwashing bullshit they came up with.

However no matter how much you tried to gear yourself and stay true, you couldn’t deny the sheer fear that would lace through your skin and spin.

It wasn’t like the first time…where they drugged you up and would physically torture you. Numbing you, and then having you feel the pain come all at once.

“We’ll go with a different method for her this time…since she does have gifts…and that makes her own mental and physical makeup different,” Whitehall would mention.

“With Jiaying…I took what I needed, however…I’m not quite sure where your sources of power would be steaming from.”

He walked around you calmly…

“To be honest though…maybe after we fix you, it’ll be easier for you to comply. Though then again you were one of the top agents at SHIELD before…”

Instead of the extreme physical pain of what you experienced in your first capture…now it was a more mental approach towards you. To be honest, you weren’t sure which one was worse. A part of you felt like you were going insane or maybe that too was just in your head...or what you were believing. 

And then Whitehall would talk - over and over now and then…repeating the same words.

> _"Surrender and you will find meaning…_
> 
> _Surrender and you will find release._
> 
> _Take a deep breath._
> 
> _Calm your mind._
> 
> _You know what is best._
> 
> _What is best is you comply._
> 
> _Compliance will be rewarded._
> 
> _Are you ready to comply?”_

__ Over and over…

You denied every time, however your heart couldn’t take this…in fact it felt like you heart was splitting in two…

At first you couldn’t tell if it was from your own body as a result of all the physical stress you were under, or if it was mental - and all in your head. Maybe it was a mental Soulmate Bond Pull you were feeling…after all they mentioned your Soulmates so much.

The worst was when they exposed your Soulmate marks, each mark that beautifully was written on each of your shoulder blade curves.

They would be asking over and over who they were - if you knew them. They could tell you weren’t Bonded to them but…

Somewhere around the line though…Whitehall then mentioned that well since you weren’t telling him, that he might as well just let you know that he knows who they are.

 

“What a pity…you thought that you were protecting them, but Hydra _knows_.”

 

They’ve always known who your Soulmates have been.

 

You still couldn’t tell if he was playing tricks on your mind again. Was this a mental game where he was trying to get you to say their name out? Or was it real…?

 

After all they were in SHIELD this whole time.

 

Your home…

 

The home you didn’t have anymore.

 

And he used that against you.

 

To be honest - you weren’t quite sure if it was Whitehall talking anymore or if it was just your deep inner thoughts and fears talking to you instead.

 

And another thing is that…honestly…

 

A tiny bit of you inside.

 

Might have just wanted to…just give up.

 

Until one day, the usual speech by Whitehall to you…didn’t come.

 

Instead there were crashes.

 

And then a familiar face…of your Soulmate.

“Oh doll…” James almost whispered, as he looked at your pitiful image up and down.. Immidentlyhe reached out towards you, quickly releasing the clips that were forcing your eyes open and unstrapping your arms from the machine.

You blinked and felt your vision going hazy as you watched him quietly…

His jaw clenching, looking as if his heart was shattering…

 

No.

 

No.

 

It’s just a dream.

 

He wasn’t here.

 

Your mind was playing with you again.

 

He wasn’t…here.

 

You were alone.

 

…right?

 

This was just someone else’s hand…

 

You couldn’t hold it anymore. No matter how strong you wanted to be, the fatigue, and dehydration…made you lose conscious.

 

And that’s when everything again…faded into black.

 

* * *

 

 

When you woke up, you were in the comfort of someone’s arms… you were in a comfortable position in a bed…but. No.

No no no… eyes wide opened you tried to move out of this person’s arms. Quickly realizing it was Bucky by the shine of his metal arm…but no. This was a trick.

You were shivering, what…what were they planning on right now? What was Hydra doing?

Was this a cruel mind control shit that they had you going through right now?

“ **No.** ”

“Doll calm down…it’s me” it sounded like Bucky - but no. He grabbed your hand and held it firmly and gently, and although it felt so much like him…you couldn’t.

“No…shut up,” you said as tears trickled down your face, “I’m not going to comply. I’m not…going to.”

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky couldn’t save her in time.

It shouldn't even have happened in the first place - he should have tried to talk it more out with her. Not let her have leave so easy and talk it out. Then she wouldn’t have left to that old SHIELD safe house.

Caught…

And it took him five days for him to find her…

Limited resources and with everything having scattered, for both Hydra and SHIELD intelligence - it was almost impossible.

When she initially ran out, it was easy to track her down. However the telltale signs of a struggle and her being taken… was obvious.

But her captors had taken her away by aircraft.

And he was way too late to have seen where or have a means to follow.

But he managed.

Bucky wasn’t going to stop.

But it took him so long.

He took too long.

Her captors had also disappeared, so as much as he wanted to finish them first - his priority the moment he got into the premises of where she was… and what they had done to her…

His heart felt like it had shattered.

It was different from when he first saved her, this time… they had used the Fautus method…and who knows what.

She didn’t even believe that it was really him saving her..

He had secured a route out to save her, and had managed to find a safe temporary shelter at a motel. Hydra security wasn’t that high either, which was showing that there were clearly some kinks going on in their end.

But none of that mattered.

All that mattered was getting her safe, and back to him.

 

But she was…

…

And Bucky didn’t even know what to do himself.

On top of it all, he was sure that the Bond Pull that the two of you had…didn’t help as well.

A Bond Pull was a case between Soulmates that could occur where mates feel a strong “pull” towards each other once their Soulmate words have been spoken. It was like the bond was trying to get them to Seal their bond together, and it was something that could happen after you initally meet your Soulmate for the first time.

Bucky didn’t have a Bond Pull ever happen with Steve, no matter how many times they had parted from the war. In fact it was a blessing that the two didn’t have that happen, since it would’ve made everything much more difficult and was a common hard problem between soldiers who were Unbonded with their Soulmates.

The pain was like…having his heart being stretched apart to the fullest, not breaking it, but painfully pulling at it. The sensation wasn’t crippling or decapitating, but gave a real definition to what a heartache felt like. Distance, timing, and measure of pain always varied between mates that had this occur.

The only cure for that would be either Sealing with the Soulmate, or being with them… at least not too far apart. But if Bucky felt this pain, he was sure that this pain was affecting her as well. On top of that the torture…

He had you by his side these several months, since he had left Hydra and been on the run with you. And you were there to help heal him and soothe him with your powers.

What did he have to soothe you? All he could do was hold you in his arms.

Bucky didn’t have any good powers like you did, to save you.

Fuck even if he wanted to have someone properly help get her mind back, he didn’t know who he could ask for help.

 

Steve…

…

 

Before he could run with that thought, his Soulmate stirred in his arms. But Bucky could feel the air chill and her breathing start to elevate.

She didn’t recognize reality. 

All that he could do, was try to keep it together for her.

 

* * *

 

 

You watched in panic as ‘Bucky’ was still holding onto your hand tightly…not letting you go. You tried to think of what to do…what was the best course of action. However ‘Bucky’ calmly spoke out,

“Steady…”

You couldn’t tell what was real. Was this in your head? Was it real - but fake?

Suddenly you watched as he reached down and tugged at his pants on his right side - exposing only his hip bone to…

“This is your writing on me.” he quietly said to you…as you stared at it, “You said to me - ‘ **You’re the alley cat from the other day…** ’”

A part of your mind echoed this could be a trap…but…you were entranced. And it felt like… something lifted, and everything was telling you in your heart and soul that this was really the real Bucky.

Bucky then pulled your hand to gently trace and touch the words on him, guiding you to gently touch your words on him.

“You’re the alley cat from the other day…” you murmured… you looked at him curling your lips into a smile. You really were with him…and could feel your eyes water.

Bucky smiled softly and gently patted your head with his free hand. Caressing your hair,

“That’s right, doll.”

 

It was him.

 

This was him - your Soulmate. And you were here with him.

 

Bucky smiled and petted your hair softly, while you kept your hand on his hip bone gently tracing the words that were yours.

 

“I…I …” you trailed off confused, but knowing that this was…real.

 

“That’s it,” Bucky said nodding to you reassuringly.

 

“I’m sorry…”

 

Bucky shook his head, his eyes watery, and his mouth pursed into a firm line…as if he was trying to hold something in.

 

“No doll - I’m sorry.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
>  *Whitehall's lines are directly from Agents of Shield. 
> 
>  
> 
> [My Author notes on this chapter can be found here!](http://unrequitedstar.tumblr.com/post/171501889442/more-an-for-need-ch3-memory-with-steve-is-a)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think :) - lots of stuff in store for everyone in the future.


	4. Adjusting and Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much Bucky bonding. Like. So much. So fucking much. I think this is the slow build habit of mine…since as I go through the past chapters, though I did leave a lot to imagination…I NEED TO PUT SOME MORE CONCRETE THINGS IN. I might revamp those chapters. 
> 
> Warning on dependent and mentally unstable Reader. Also unbeta-ed chapter…I’ll fix mistakes. ;;; 
> 
> The Few Things - JP Saxe this song would best portray what Bucky feels towards You.

 

 

You weren’t the same.

 

You **knew** you weren’t the same.

 

However you wanted to be...the same way you were before. 

 

But how could you ever be who you were before...now…?

 

Well…let’s try to quickly recap with what happened so far on your life…

 

Majority of your life you’ve been a top gifted agent at SHIELD. Helping save people and making a difference in the world. And honestly - that’s what made you happy and fulfilled.

Then you bumped into your Soulmate who is Captain America - exchanged words but well didn’t believe that shit, so nothing happened on that front. (Apparently you said his words way back before the New York battle…) Cap flirted with you a lot, but scared and convinced he wasn’t your Soulmate - you avoided the hell out of him. Anwyays as a result you and Cap had been working together for a little over a year…not knowing shit.

One day Cap is being hunted out by SHIELD - you save him - and then later find out that your life working at SHIELD was in fact Hydra infested.

AND…because you saved Cap’s butt you then got captured by Hydra.

Then you were then tortured by Hydra - but you were saved by your other Soulmate who happens to be the Winter Solider. Winter Solider is Cap’s old buddy as well that had went through brainwash Hydra shit. And decades of it… However the two of you were…fitting together quite well, and you were using your healing powers to help his mental stresses.

Several months later you go through some crazy emotional shit as a result of all the above, which leads you to THEN getting captured once again by Hydra…and this time the torture was crazy craazy crazzzzzzy mind control attempts happening.

Well thanks to Bucky…you were saved. But no thanks to yourself - you felt mentally screwed and like you basically scarred yourself.

 

…where’s a drink when you fucking need it?

 

Well, you did try to shrug things off of what happened with Whitehall - his methods of torture more eerie compared to what had happened…the first time you were captured by Hydra. The first time was ….an unfortunate situation, but you liked to think on the positive on how it was meant to be since - you got to meet your Soulmate, right? (Although that wouldn’t stop you still feeling bitter that the torture had to happen…)

But for the second time, it was for your own fault and reason for being too - much.

Recovering from what had happened though, was a whole lot different than the first time. First time being caught all the torture was physical…this time it was mentally damaging.

To be honest, you had to cope with it by thinking as an Agent - sort of like in third person so that you could feel some sanity.

Heck even the way you were trying to map out right now was a hard…and exhausting. You were trying to think how you /used/ to, and it did sort of help and pep you up sometimes. And sure that’s how you were before the Shield fall…but after the past months…was the current you - something else? Especially after what had recently happened…

 

…You were just making more questions for yourself and not solving anything - sigh. Why can’t you use your healing mental powers on yourself?

 

And honestly with what was going on with you mentally…you were so anxious sometimes and it felt you couldn’t breathe.

 

The scariest part though?

 

Was a simple touch from Bucky...and these thoughts mostly would fade away. Well, the fear was still there - but you felt...safe. Maybe things would be okay. Heck even the first few nights you felt like you were in a panic…but a few words from him and especially seeing your Soulmate words on him - made everything clear up. As if the fog you felt - entirely lifted up.

…that huge dependency was terrifying you.

 

What if he left you…?

 

Trying to hold back the tears and your walls from collapsing into full panic…you shook your head.

 

…it was terrifying.

 

And you told him.

 

After all, he was your...Soulmate and you two were together. Look at what your stupidity brought you? If you had been clear with him before, and not run off … things wouldn’t be where you are now.

As the two of you were turning in for the night you opened up slowly to him. And as you explained how you were feeling, you mentioned to him how you felt like you were dying when he was apart.

While you explained your fears about the dependency with him, Bucky listened carefully and quietly. The two of you in an motel, while you two sat in bed - him sitting back against the headboard while you sat in front of him …trying to be brave and not mentally collapse apart. But Bucky was there, gently holding your hand with his flesh hand tracing patterns along. He nodded to you reassuringly as you were spilling out your guts.

 

“You felt it too…”

 

“What...?”

 

“How did you feel when…you got further and further away from me - physically?” Bucky asked.

 

“Like my heart is stretching apart…?”

 

Bucky nodded and you tilted your head to the side curiously, what you described for some reason felt like it sounded familiar but you couldn’t but your finger on what it was.

“I feel the same…here,” Bucky put his right hand to his chest and continued, “I’m sure what **we’re** both feeling, is a bond pull. To be honest…I’m a little thankful that we’re getting it, since it helped break you out of that spell…”

Your eyes widened in surprise. You knew what a Bond Pull was - but well...not thinking about Soulmates still (because of factor number 3), you didn’t really think of the other things that can come WITH a Soulmate. A Bond Pull was the Soulmate bond urging the mates to Seal to each other - however it wasn’t really a fun ordeal. It caused pain whenever the two were too far away…and could lead to slight dependence though, the pain and level always depended from different Soulmates. However the phenomenon was sort of a like a chance thing, not all Soulmates had it happen.

“That’s why you showed me…and had me touch…my words?”

Bucky nodded, “...I remember seeing some men back in the army, those who weren’t bonded and experience a bond pull - looked like death. I heard that if you weren’t bonded just seeing or touching the words felt like it healed them up.”

 

Wait…if it was a result of the Bond Pull…

 

You reached out to Bucky, leaning towards him “So if we Bond, it’ll lessen the pain if we’re apart right?”

 

“Doll...”

 

**Bonding.**

 

Would bonding lessen the pain - if it was strong enough for Bucky to just say his words…to make all the fear in you go away…

 

C-Couldn’t this…maybe turn you back to **normal** \- or even better because of the link you would have with Bucky…?

 

However before you could run with that thought more, Bucky reached up to cup your face gently with his right hand, as he shook his head slightly to you, “Doll…you know this isn’t something that just the two of us can decide on.”

 

Cap.

 

You bit your lip, feeling that pit in your stomach grow.

 

Cap and Bucky were not Bonded.

 

Despite having been together for so long the two had never bonded. Bucky had told you the story a few months back when you asked about it, the two of them never bonded because the were waiting for their third Soulmate - you. They both never found it fair that they got all this time together and yet knew that there was another person waiting for them - or looking for them. So that was why the two promised that they wouldn’t Bond until they were all complete.

“Remember why we can’t bond. I promised...Steve, we wouldn’t do it till we were all together. We were waiting for you.”

“I…this...” you murmured conflicted as you clutched your fist to your chest, frustrated. You understood where Bucky was coming from. But you also had a part of you right now that just…hurt. You knew this already…and yet… here you are… pushing at Bucky for your own selfish reasons.

“You’re experiencing the aftershock of what happened, and on top of that getting to know what the pain of a really distant Bond Pull does,” Bucky trailed off, “Though I want to do it bad too, I don’t think this is something we should decide on with out…Steve.”

You let out a sigh, knowing that he was right and nodded.

If your mind was sane - and you’re sure if Bucky’s was as well…then it’d be better to decide. Even trying to pull yourself out and thinking about it…you felt bad as well, and unfair to Cap. Despite the messed up situation with all three of you - that was the finish line that you and Bucky couldn’t do without him. Everything Bucky said was sound and made sense despite him going through so much internal pain, and you were just…

You turned your head to look away, moving Bucky’s hand away from your face, “You’re right…I just hate how I look this weak. **Feel** this weak. It’s like I’m bouncing between insanity and …sanity. And you have to put up with me…”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Bucky turned your head back to face his blue eyes - crystal clear with determination in them.

“Listen to me doll. You aren’t weak…You’re also not crazy…And I’m especially not putting up with you.”

As you tried to moved away though, flustered by the emotions of your own self doubt and with his words. But Bucky just pulled you back to him. He hushed you while he pulled it so you were now by his side cradled in his side, holding your hand and squeezing firmly yet in a comforting sort of way.

“I’m sorry…here I am acting like shit when you’ve gone through being …controlled for decades…” you openly said, wincing a little at yourself though at the last part. Maybe you shouldn’t have been that open on that…but he just cuddled you close.

“You’re just…reacting to something that happened to you. And you’re coping, hell if you didn’t help me with your powers these past months…it would’ve taken a hell of a lot longer for me to ever be talking like this on my own,” he sighed, and added on “I don’t have any powers like you do, doll…and I wish I could help you like you do with me and my… pain. All you need to do is just put your hands on me and…my thoughts clear up instead of turning into red and black. Hell if anyone is the one calling themselves dependent - it should be me.”

Before you could protest back, Bucky continued on, “That’s why I think that dependency you are worrying about, isn’t something to worry about. I’m glad that my marks can help you and that’s why you’re always free to them.”

“And finally doll…I know I wasn’t clear to you before - but let me say this now,” Bucky grabbed both your hands in his - eyes blazing a deep dark blue as they bore into your own, “ I want to be with you. And I sure as hell ain’t leaving you and it’s not because of our Bond Pull. I want to be by your side, and I want you by mine.”

As you let his words sink in…you felt clear…it more so felt like a huge weight had been lifted by letting him know and hearing his own thoughts on the matter.

“I want to be by your side too.”

In response Bucky turned and gave a soft gentle kiss against your forehead…and then to softly kiss both of your cheeks, melting your heart away. He didn’t kiss you on the lips though…probably giving you space you briefly thought a bit remorsefully.

He was the sweetest thing ever, and you had ran away from that …not trusting him. And here you are a puddle of mental confusion…and he’s here just taking as much care he can with you.

“...when I get better, I swear I’m letting you do whatever brooding thing you want ever… whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it…” you mumbled, softly as you leaned forward to gently press your forehead against his.

Bucky on the other hand smiled at your comment, he was glad that you were both trying to talk things through and that you were telling him more of how you felt. Things were still going to be patchy and rough…but at least the core of your feelings were out.

Maybe it was beyond the fact that you two were feeling a need for each other outside of the Soulmate Pull…and it was simply because you two were Soulmates, and that’s why everything felt like…things could heal. Things will be better. Although time was going to be a big factor and patience with learning each other.

But what mattered was that you both were taking these were the first steps with each other. And there were more nights and days to come to learn each other more. To help each other heal.

Ready to drift off to sleep - you felt that scary feeling of the nightmares that might come…and so you asked,

“...can I…?”

Clearly obvious though as to what you were…wanting to touch your words on him and needing to feel the bond with him - to help reassure you.

Bucky automatically reached down to help give you access to the words on his hip - knowing what you meant.

He smiled softly, “Feel free to, doll.”

 

* * *

 

It had now been a few weeks since Bucky had pulled you out from Whitehall and the two of you were on the run as fast and quietly as you two could go without leaving any tracks. However what was a bit odd, was the fact that so far you two hadn’t run into anyone following you. Sure there were maybe a couple times…but it didn’t compare to the first month when you were on the run with Bucky after Shield fell. Although then again it’s not like you two turned your heads back enough to see if anyone was in fact following you - better they be far away than in your horizon.

In terms of your own state…well you were better. Nightmares existed still, but it was sort of insane how just touching your words on him made you feel better. Bucky’s nightmares seemed to have subsided oddly…though maybe since now that you two were sleeping together every night…had to do something with it. It was something that turned into that state since - it was the only thing that could calm you initially in the first few weeks…and it gradually turned into such a normal state, despite it only being a few weeks of sleeping together.

And it was just strictly sleeping, holding each other sure - but it was what helped you calm and sleep at night. Bucky had suggested maybe it’s because your powers were subconsciously working on him as you slept, which prevented his own nightmares.

Besides - if you weren’t going to get to Bond with him - then you two can at least have this.

Also you both had agreed that - the two of you needed to work on communication a whole lot more.

Once Bucky decided that tonight was a good enough detour and distance, he pulled over to a small town motel and the two of you checked in. Before - normally the two of you sometimes switched it up when it came to checking in to keep a lower profile…but nowadays Bucky really hated to leave you alone. And you were grateful honestly…you still felt the jitters - and appreciated having your Soulmate being this attentive towards you at this time of your life.

“Well…they haven’t caught us for a while, but it sounds like they’re going through some crazy stuff with Shield…or well whoever is still loyal,” you sighed, as you pulled out one of the bags from the trunk, “Unfortunately they didn’t tell me too much of what was going on - but it did sound like a war between the remains of Hydra and Shield.”

Bucky grabbed them out of your hands, and slung them over his shoulders - manhandling all the luggage as he smirked.

“Let me try to have some type of ‘normal’, doll,” he murmured, as you smiled and then gestured for him to follow you to the assigned motel room. While you fumbled with the key and opened the door for him Bucky added on, “Anyways it works to our advantage, since they won’t have much people who are looking for us…but we’ll still need to keep our eyes out.”

The two of you got in, and after Bucky and you double checked everything (yes you two were that paranoid right now) - you both settled in.

You went to wash and shower up, whereas Bucky had turned on the television for some type of noise. As usual he would be probably writing down his memories in his notebooks. His memories came in jumbles and so whenever he could, he would write down what he remembered. Be it the memories before the war…during the war…and especially all the decades from when he was with Hydra.

Although the later still made your heart ache…you had to learn to take things differently with Bucky. Be more open and listen more to each other. For real.

So after you cleaned up a bit - he suggested that you two go out to eat for once. You hesitated but agreed…after all you could tell it was probably a long struggle for him to decide on that.

It was just a local diner, and since it was a small town - there weren’t much people around anyways. That and the two of you were eyeing up anything that looked out of place as well. As the two of you sipped your drinks, you both watched as the news covered a new story about how the Avengers saved the day again. Nat was doing well in her new place, you thought fondling of your friend. You wanted to send her something…contact her…or something, after all it was almost approaching one year. For all she knew, you were dead. You would have to think of something to reach out to her…but later.

However once the television screen shifted to show Cap - you shifted uncomfortably, as did Bucky.

Sure Cap seemed good on TV - but even besides from what Bucky had been telling you about Cap - you knew he was the type to smile through his pain.

He knew Bucky was out - his Soulmate - was alive…and wasn’t with him. Hell they’d been together for so much of their life - how much pain could that be? Even if you weren’t experiencing a Bond Bull…you wouldn’t want to leave Bucky… so Cap…must have it worse.

“Okay we have to fix this too don’t we…?”

You two weren’t going to see Cap anytime soon, that much was crystal clear between you two. However the two of you never talked about Cap much or at all, especially after you had initally confessed it all to Bucky early on when you two started traveling together. But you knew eventually you would need to bring Cap talk onto the table, it was something that was going to happen sooner or later.

“You’re on a nonstop parade of fixing are you?” Bucky shook his head as he dryly commented on your antics.

“I just want to take the time for us to really get to know each other…and I know you’ve been holding back because of me but…you should feel more free to talk about Cap,” you then pointed your fork at him threatening though, “But I’m not saying go on a binge talk about him or something! I know he was a big part of your life and being our Soulmate and all. But as much as it absolutely terrifies me to think about meeting him one day - I got to live with it.”

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky thought of what he could say. He knew well why you were terrified, after all you had been working with Steve for such a long time. Plus he said your words…you didn’t confront him… Steve had been also trying to date you - you declined forever. You also had put up a work barrier - so although you were great coworkers and stuff, that’s what you kept it to.

Bucky knew that for you - having to one day face Steve being like…well I’ve been your Soulmate all this time, because of my self doubt this didn’t happen - is a difficult thing to handle.

And well of course then there’s himself and Steve...

“Well… first, you're making Steve sound a hell of a lot scarier than he actually is. He’s probably still a punk. and from the sounds of it - you already have him all wrapped around your finger. You just weren’t using it to your advantage,” Bucky shrugged - after all Steve was still going after her, which brought the conclusion that Bucky was 100% sure it had to do with the fact that Steve probably gave up on the fact that his Soulmates were gone. That or felt a connection to you despite not having recognized his Soulmate words from the start. 

In response to Bucky's words though you grimaced since you couldn't deny the whole - Cap hitting on you deal - but Bucky continued on, “Second - I’ll try. I’m still not really up for putting all these Steve stuff up to you…but I'll try. Just...if you ever feel uncomfortable or need me to explain anything further, let me know.”

 

“Agreed.”

 

“Now that I’ve put Cap back on the table, after taking him off for so many months. There's actually something I’ve been wanting to ask for the longest time…”

 

"Hm...?" 

 

“How far have you two gone anyways?”

 

…

 

…

 

This is the first thing the doll thinks of?

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed reading please consider leaving a comment! Comments help motivate me to post another chapter.
> 
> \-- by end of chapter here we are on the timeline. 
> 
> CATWS - total of 11 months after and treading very closely towards Age of Ultron. 
> 
>  
> 
> [Extreme author note ranting can be found here. ](http://unrequitedstar.tumblr.com/post/171742986192/more-need-ch-4-an-notes-if-you-found-the)
> 
>  
> 
> On a weird side note - I was wondering if anyone would be interested in drabble requests for this fic? (Please note only this one…I’ll consider Sugar later when that’s off hiatus)


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